Zero Pawsability
by Tsukiko hoshino
Summary: Two people bitten by a cat experience odd side effects in an attempt to return to normal. Or rather it started out that way. Somewhere along the line it evolved into Sakura just hoping not to have kittens...Literally. (Canonish)


In which Itachi is bitten by a cat and experiences some rather… strange side effects. Crackfic, fluff and some major OOC and canon deviation…quite possibly some dirty stuff too because you know...Cats are kinda frisky like that and all.*Coughs*

Nods heavily at episode 189 of shippuden.

* * *

**Zero Pawsability**  
By Tsukiko Hoshino

"_A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not."_  
_― (**Ernest Hemingway**)_

* * *

Glaring at the cat that dared to injure his person, Itachi pulled out a tomoe embroidered handkerchief from the inside of his patent Akatsuki robe and wiped at the bleeding wound on his wrist. He'd only been trying to be merciful by saving the black cat when it rather foolishly got itself stuck in a tree.

It had been a whim, a moment of weakness. 'Nostalgia.' He supposed with an air of self-deprecation. That sort of soft behavior is unacceptable on the path he's chosen to lead.

"If you find yourself in a tree again, I shall not be rescuing you." Itachi declared to the cat as he glanced down on it, face half hidden by the brim of his cloak. If the cat were a human, it would have been quite intimidated; fortunately it did not have the worries of people to burden it and therefore merely licked its paw the face of adversity.

In the cat's opinion, the human had been acting rather foolishly. It could have gotten down all on its own after all; it had gotten _itself _up there, now hadn't it? Never the less, it had appreciated the concern and thus left the man with a lovely little parting gift.

'Won't you be pleased?' The cat thought proudly to itself, rubbing its whiskers. It was certainly a generous chap. Well, perhaps generosity had nothing to do with it...

Itachi felt a little insulted by the lack of response he received, because really despite being an Uchiha and therefore naturally intimidating he did work hard on his reputation of being quite fearsome. It had become like breathing, it was part of his survival now and the mask he wore had become a part of his very being. "Do not be a foolish cat from this day forward." His days of chasing cats were long gone just like his youth and innocence. With his parting words said he turned on his heel, the flare of his cloak trailing after him theatrically.

He had medication to take and his wrist was beginning to itch. He considered the possibility of catching rabies and then promptly threw it out, as he performed the customary seals to open the hidden bases door.

It was really a rather elementary series of signs, but he supposed for the members with lower brain functions such as Deidara and Hidan it was necessary to keep things simple. Thankfully given that it was a secret base and filled with nine super powered psychopathic criminals, what poor soul would be foolish enough to enter unbidden?

He could only think of two; his darling little brother and the Uzumaki kid.

"Oh hey-" Kisame decided to promptly shut his mouth when given a rather perfunctory glance from Itachi's perpetually red eyes. Despite the rumors that Itachi was going blind, he always seemed to know just where to look. Today Itachi seemed particularly annoyed and he didn't want to test his luck, no matter how well the two of them got along. "uh…never mind." He stated, turning back to his crossword puzzle, wracking his brain for a five letter word that could be used in place of 'peace'.

"It's Heiwa." Itachi stated upon passing by. He held back the smirk that threatened to overtake his lips when he heard Kisame cursing his name. 'Small victories.' He reminded himself. Between the spying and destruction of the small joys the other members allowed themselves to partake in, he felt as though he was maintaining his loyalty to Konohagakure as well as he possibly could considering the circumstances.

Satisfied with his dark deed Itachi continued on unhindered towards his room, ignoring the screams that emanated from Hindan's religious doings as he went. As much as he hated to admit it, he'd grown used to having to listen to the shrieks whenever they all ended up in the same place. It was why he preferred to travel even though it wrecked his body further.

Using a complicated series of hand seals and release techniques he had developed as a security system for his own quarters Itachi unlocked the door and stepped inside. Although his eye sight became progressively worse by the day the room had been memorized by him and even the minute shift of an item would not be unnoticed upon inspection.

Tossing his cloak to the back of a chair he threw off his sandals and made his way towards the bathroom where he took his multitudes of pills and swallowed them down before performing some basic first aid on the bite he'd received earlier. "Cats…" He said, shaking his head in reminiscence, Itachi remembered days spent chasing cats and gaining paw prints, of sending Sasuke on missions and watching with pride each time he succeeded.

He remembered how easy and simple life had been back then.

Cats too had an easy life. They slept when they liked, ate when they liked and over all always did whatever they fancied when the mood hit them without concern to what came afterwards. 'Although I suppose that's the way of most animals.' Itachi noted, stripping the gray shirt he wore over his fishnet off and setting it into the hamper just outside the bathroom.

He'd always been naturally tidy even as a child whereas Sasuke tossed things all over the place without care. The memories that should have left him feeling warm brought him nothing but what if's and why's that would plague him to the end. 'It'll all be over soon.' He reminded himself as he rested his head against the pillow.

Soon Sasuke would be strong enough to take him in his current state, soon he'd be back in Konohagakure where he belonged- rebuilding the clan as it should have been to begin with. 'Everything will be alright soon.' Itachi thought, eyes sliding closed as he willed himself to sleep.

All through the night he slept, surprisingly peaceful- which meant a rare night in which he did not see the faces of the people he had killed, but due to that serene lull he was completely unaware of the changes occurring through his body.

When he woke, a strange feeling had settled over him. The near constant aches and pains, the heaviness of his chest and approaching blindness were all gone and by the time reflecting back at him from the clock he knew that he had over slept, something he had not done ever before.

He had always risen with the sun for as long as he could remember.

Suspicion immediately filled him and he rolled from the bed making his way towards the closest mirror. He could feel something off in his weight, and when he finally saw what the truth within the mirror even he had to admit that he had been shocked. It was a quiet sort of surprise, that involved the widening of his eyes and a slight, quiet gasp that struggled free from his lips. It was a noise he had not heard in a very long time, but could not find it in him to reprimand himself as he continued to study his reflection.

"This…" Itachi began, tilting his head to the side curiously as he took in the black cat ears jutting out from the top of his crown. "Is interesting." He stated at last, feeling rather stunned.

Already he could see his carefully laid plans shattering. As he had been before, riddled with disease and slowly dying Sasuke would have had trouble defeating him in a fair fight, something he desperately wanted to offer the boy. "This won't do." He shook his head going through his morning rituals with all the gravity only an Uchiha could possess.

Upon undressing he realized the ears were only half of the problem. He had a long, black tail attached to his backside and upon touching it he found it posed a problem all it's on. It was incredibly sensitive and therefore a liability in battle. 'That cat from yesterday…' He had an inkling it was the source of all his troubles. He considered the possibility that it was a runaway experiment of Orochimaru's briefly, going over the rest of his options as he went. made contingency plans.

The first person he would go to was Nekobaa and see if he couldn't find any information regarding the situation from her first and from there if necessary he would make a trip to Nekomata's fortress.

Itachi would save investigating Orochimaru for last because he really wanted to avoid Sasuke in his current state.

His priority was to return to normal and nothing, illness and all and nothing- absolutely nothing was going to get in his way. 'Except for perhaps some fish.' Itachi thought, not realizing how foreign the sudden desire was until after he'd stepped into the shower. 'Hnn…'

Perhaps things would not be as simple as he had first assumed after all.

Either way…perhaps it would be best to avoid Kisame for the time being because the larger man always smelled distinctly fishy, especially after it had rained.

* * *

Far far away from him a certain pink haired Kunoichi was about to find herself in a very similar situation.

For the moment however she was completely unaware of the odd series of events that were about to unfold as she crawled her way across the forest floor stealthily.

So there she was, sitting- or rather laying on her belly in the Forest of Death, ignoring the feeling of déjà vu that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment.

"Alright." Sakura called into the intercom hooked over her ear, reminding herself to treat Naruto to a good old fashioned beat down right alongside Sai after all was said and done. "I've got a black one here headed east…want me to check it?"

Those two idiots had made some smartass comment about Tsunade's age when they thought she wasn't listening and rather than beating the snot out of them she'd decided to give all of team seven the most ridiculous missions imaginable as recompense.

Which was precisely why she was getting all muddy and chasing cats all around town in a desperate search for a black cat whose only defining feature happened to be a white dot on the inside of its back leg.

"Check it." Kakashi called over the com lazily, the sound of him flipping a page could be heard clearly.

'Why am I the one stuck doing this?' Sakura gripped, slinking forward steadily.

The sound of something rather large cutting through the trees and bushes across the way gave her pause, eyes snapping to the location just in time to see a rather angry bear come hurdling out of the dense trees.

The moment it laid eyes on the cat who had been happily chowing down on meal of field mice it flew into a further tizzy lunging forward with its maw open wide to bite down on its prey.

'Oh shit!' Sakura panicked, getting to her feet immediately and flying forward with a raised fist. She didn't bother responding to Kakashi's inquiry about her current status – there was no time as one hand reached down and grasped the cat by the scruff of the neck while the other made contact with the bears open jaw.

The teeth that remained intact from her mighty blow cut into the flesh of her hand while the rest flew free, sprinkling the air with their white ivory before landing on the leaf speckled ground without preamble.

The bear for its part didn't bother mourning the loss of its teeth as it quickly realized it would at the very least be leaving with its life and thus scampered off with all the grace of drunkard.

Sighing not for the first time, Sakura looked at her ruined glove miserably. 'Replacements are so expensive…' Glancing at the cat, who for his part was quite stunned to say the least as it shook in her arms Sakura couldn't help but smile. "Are you a lucky one huh? I wonder why that bear was so upset with you." She teased, flipping it onto its back in the crook of her arm to study its underside briefly. "Eh…Looks like you're not the target."

It was a little disappointing, but she certainly didn't feel bad about saving the creature's life. Poking the pitch black creature on its small heart shaped nose Sakura chided the animal gently. "Be more careful, hm? Next time I might not be around to save you, ya know?"

The cat for its part was absolutely enthralled by the pretty girl holding him. Even for a human she was absolutely beautiful. 'There is only one thing that could possibly improve this vision of loveliness.' The cat thought, completely bedazzled as it stared up at its savior. With all the intent of doing something kind, he sunk his teeth into the flesh of her hand.

"Oh!" Sakura shrieked, tossing the cat high into the air when the wounds of her hand were further aggravated.

The cat even while preoccupied with thinking on how lovely her eyes were landed easily on its feet and spared what he would refer to as his greatest piece of work a lingering glance before darting off.

"What's the big idea?!" She shouted angrily after it, eyes blazing furiously as she took a step forward fully intent on following the ungrateful feline and giving it a good scolding.

"Sakura-chaan~" Naruto shouted, recoiling when he was fixed with a sour look from his rosette haired comrade in arms. 'Oh shit…' He sweated, hanging back briefly before he saw the mess that had been made of her hand. "Oh hey! you're hand…" he made his way to her side quickly, fussing over her openly.

Not that he was in much better shape, he looked like he'd been made some cat's personal scratching post which wasn't far off from the truth.

By this time, concerned by the lack of response, Kakashi had arrived followed by Sai who was holding a rather fat black cat with a white patch on the inside of its leg.

"What happened here?" Kakashi asked arching his only visible eye as he took in the furious expression straining his only female students face. The combination of the teeth scattered across the ground and her wounded hand worried him briefly.

"Oh there was a bear, and a cat." Sakura stated huffing, her anger starting to melt as she saw the worry on their faces. It didn't matter if she could punch a mountain into rubble and break their faces with her pinky, they could be as bad as mother hens if given half the chance.

Even Sai was frowning as he leaned over Naruto's shoulder to look at her near shredded glove that only hinted at the damage her hand could have taken. "You should heal it, heaven knows you need no more flaws." What he really wanted to say however was that he didn't like the look of her own blood staining her skin.

"That's a waste of Chakara." Sakura chided, waving her hand dismissively. "The wounds are only superficial."

"Let's at least wrap them then." Kakashi suggested, pulling a roll of bandages from his back pouch.

"I'll do it!" Naruto offered quickly, eyes sparkling like diamonds as he envisioned himself playing the Sauvé guy taking care of his ladylove's wounds.

"You?" Sai's aked, tilting his head to the side. "I suppose this is your attempt to get closer to Ugly..." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "As such I should allow you to be the one to wrap her injury, however I find myself concerned at your ability to do basic first aid…perhaps I should wrap it."

Naruto clenched his fist, whipping around to dispute his apparent fault in field medicine. "Hey! I'm perfectly capable of wrapping something simple! And…and well, if Sakura-chan just happened to fall madly in love with me because of how tender I was being with her, well then…" He grinned, a blush coming to his cheeks.

"Thanks Kakashi-sensei." Sakura stated with a sigh feeling a headache coming on the more Sai and Naruto bantered back and forth.

"No problem." The jounin stated, eye curving closed into a smile as he peeled back her glove. "Tch…" He made a hissing noise through his teeth as he took in the multiple lacerations. "What exactly did you do?" it wasn't as if he didn't know that this was something small for people in their line of work, but seeing Sakura injured was something that rarely happened in Team seven these days. He could count the number of time's he'd seen her bleed and still have fingers left over.

'And personally speaking I prefer it that way.' Kakashi thought, pulling a spray bottle of disinfectant out as well and spritzing the wound. This time it was her turn to hiss, the noise tearing through her teeth in such a way it would make a cat proud of the imitation.

"Punched a bear in the mouth." Sakura stated with a shrug, clearly unperturbed by the feat.

To anyone outside of Konohagakure the idea of someone as small and cute as Sakura punching a bear in the mouth was unbelievable. To them her doing anything less was unspeakable.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted giving their current squad leader a dirty look. "I was gonna do that for her!"

"Snoozers lose." Kakashi stated unperturbed as he slowed his movements down to further annoy the blonde. 'Heh…still such a kid sometimes.' He thought watching the boy cross his arms and sulk.

"I suppose this means that Kakashi-senpei also has romantic designs on the hag…perhaps I should join in as well? That way no one would be left out." The artist suggested with a smile, blinking at the three individuals who shivered in synch with one another.

"Sai…" Sakura growled after the moment of disgust had fled.

"There is no way I'm sharing Sakura-Chan with _anybody_." Naruto sniffed, crinkling his nose.

"I agree." Kakashi stated allowing his eye to wander over Sakura's form teasingly. "After All, I'll be more than enough for her." This was said as he leaned his face particularly close to hers.

"Don't encourage them!" Sakura shrieked, throwing her fist towards his head only to be thwarted when he barely turned it to the side.

"Ah, lovers spat already…" Sai noted, promptly closing his book to study the events. "I suppose I should say something to invoke a quarrel now as well." He began to think of something appropriate. "Sakura-"

"Shut up!" Sakura growled, turning her attention to him. 'Where's Yamato-taichou when you need him…' If he were here, he'd surely back her up against the insane antics of her current company.

Sure, Sai had come a long way since he first joined them, but whenever he ended up taking the advice of some book things always got out of hand.

"Keep your hands off Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted as he pointed a finger at Kakashi and then Sai. "Both of you- dattebayo! The only one she's going to be having a lovers spat with is me!" He paused, thumb still pointing at his chest. "No wait…" he began to correct, only to be cut short by a fist.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Sakura whimpered, hoping from one foot to the other as she held her smarting hand.

"Alright, enough playing around." Kakashi announced, clearing his throat as he gave the pink haired girl an apologetic glance. "Let's turn the cat in, and go have lunch, shall we?" He suggested shooing them off towards the forest exit.

Perking up instantly, Sakura turned towards her teammates with a smirk. "Last one to Hokage tower pays!" She declared, darting away.

"Eh, wait up!" Naruto shouted, shaking his head wildly as he quickly followed after her. 'Oh man…Gama's going to be so skinny if I don't hurry!'

Kakashi, as soon as the words had left the girls mouth and disappeared like the notorious cheapskate he was, leaving Sai standing there looking rather puzzled.

It was much later when the sun was finally down and they were all still sitting at Ichiraku Ramen that Sakura got the first inkling that something was not quite right with her. In the middle of explaining to Sai why exactly humans bonded themselves through marriage and typically only with one person rather than a whole mess of people she started feeling woozy.

"I still don't understand." The artist stated, shaking his head. "Technically speaking having more mates is more opportune then having only one."

"For humans it's different." Sakura said, trying to blink away the dots that entered her line of vision. For a moment her body wavered, pitching forward in her stool only to be saved when someone grabbed her shoulder, holding her up.

"Are you alright?" Sai asked, real worry shining through his dark eyes. His pale lips were set into a firm line as he roved his eyes over her form analytically. "You feel warm." He stated, turning to Kakashi. "I think it's a fever."

Shivering slightly, she noted that his hands felt colder than usual. "I'm alright." Sakura said, giving him a comforting smile as her hand slid over his hoping to warm it if even just a little.

Even Naruto who had been happily chowing down on his third bowl had abruptly stopped and was staring at her most solemnly. The unusual sight had her stomach flipping nervously.

When they worried over her so openly, it only caused her to worry for worrying them.

Kakashi quickly abandoned his book in favor of hovering over the pink haired girl, eye studying her intently. "Maybe it's from the bear?" He considered taking her to the hospital as he glanced at the hand the wound graced.

"I'm sure it's nothing." Sakura scowled, rolling her eyes in annoyance. "Stop worrying." Although when she attempted to stand all she ended up doing was disturbing them further because she promptly stumbled over her own sluggish feet and hurtled towards the floor.

"Sakura!" Their three voices called out worriedly as numerous pairs of hands reached out to stay her fall.

"O-okay." Sakura stated weakly, eyes fluttering shut. "Maybe I'm not okay." She finished just before her eyes slid shut despite their calls.

Not five minutes later the hospital was promptly bombarded by three near frantic men with an unconscious Sakura and a very long, long night ensued for everyone involved.

* * *

And thus this barely exciting chapter ends.

In the next chapter: two people on a similar path collide!

Anybody see chapter 616' cover page? Sakura was looking boss! And was once again reaffirmed as the manga's heroine. Life is good once more.


End file.
